Dear Merciless Me
by Everlasting Purple
Summary: Self Insert written in a series of prayers to whatever cruel heartless being placed her here and won't let her die.
1. Chapter 1

Been a very long time since I've posted anything on here, but with getting into a new fandom comes new inspiration and it's so rare for me to write somthing angsty I thought I'd dust off my writing skills and see if I can some up somthing a bit different. Warning for some 4th wall breaking. Beware this is NOT crack.

Dear Merciless Me.

Sum: Attack on Titan Self Insert written in a series of prayers to whatever cruel heartless being placed her here and won't let her die.

"It's not that I don't appreciate this, because I do." Began a small brown haired girl who couldn't be more then 5, eyes shut tight as if that could make her attempt at communicating with the god/gods of this world more likely.

"Really being reborn and keeping my memories of my past self was always my favorite possible afterlife. The fact that I'm in an anime that I actually know should be every fanficition writer's wet dream. It was really, for me in fact. I got off on that kind of thing...Like a lot."

For moment the girl was silent as she contemplated her past smut filled nights.

"However this just isn't going to work. I know, I know I'm being a pain in the ass here, but seriously I'm not doing this."

She considered that being the end of it. The chance that she was actually in a self insert fanfic was pretty small, almost as small as the god that put her into this world being one that actually gave a shit about what she did in it so she may as well skip the monologue and just get to killing herself right? Nah this world was based on nothing if not foolish hope so she make as well have her say.

"The reason is I'm just not cut out for pain, or even heartbreak. Like even if I don't die I have no inclination to see all my friends and family get killed...and my neighbors...and the soldiers...and just everyone. Look it was gory enough to watch it on screen I'm just not doing this."

She wiggled her butt a bit as the stranded praying position was a uncomfortable one and then opened her blue eyes to glare at the bedspread.

"You could have at least given me superpowers if you didn't want me to straight out kick the bucket is all I'm saying. Being eaten seems horrifying I'd rather drown, or jump off the wall, or stab myself in the chest. Really anything other then being slowly burned to death or being eaten should be fine. So...yeah that's what I'm doing unless you want to give me the Gamer ability here or some other super good power that will make sure I have a decent chance of not only living, but thriving."

She paused again if there was a short tempered god about that was messing with her life maybe now it would speak since she was being all rebellious and crap?

…

…

…

Nope.

"Very well, no one has spoken so I shall assume my death is unimportant and will go get to that now, one last thing please, please, please let my next life be somewhere better even if I don't remember it. Harry Potter? Yu-Yu-hakusho? Honestly I'd have a better chance of surviving in Game of Thrones, though that too would suck. Thanks for letting me remember myself though, until I understood where I was that was pretty damn cool. Amen."

* * *

"Dear god." Began a small girl with brown hair that was absolutely soaked from failing to drown herself.

"Fuck you very very very much."

"Like what in the living hell was that? I can't even!"

Frustrated she attacked her wet hair with a towel aggressively.

"19! 19 times you mother fucker!"

The drowning business had not gone well. She had gotten to the lake just fine. She had gotten into the water just fine. Everything had sent smoothly she had went in deep and breathed in huge gulps of water and yes it was unpleasant. Her lungs hurt, her limbs wanted to fail around and it was only instinct to panic, but then darkness had seeped into her head and she was floating and dying wasn't so bad really. Except that it kept happening.

Nothing.

Darkness started closing in, Nothing.

Panic,Darkness started closing in, Nothing.

Lungs hurt, Panic,Darkness started closing in, Nothing.

Breathing water,Lungs hurt, Panic,Darkness started closing in, Nothing.

Again and again and again until finally she was taking that first gulp of water and was able to pull herself out and throw it up.

"Fuck you." Tears ran down her face as she held the towel to her chest and shook from both cold and trauma.

"What did I ever do to you? What did I do to deserve having to die over and over again? This isn't the kind of power I wanted. Please take it back."

"Let me die...Please."

"Please."

"Please, I can't."

"What do you want from me?"

"ANSWER ME!"

"Sonya? What are you doing? Why are you all wet."

Her mother appeared and proceed to fuss over the small girl. It would be awhile before they let her wonder off on her own again, but that mattered little to a small girl named Sonya. She would try again to kill herself in different ways and then there would come hopelessness and misery, but eventually this self insert, this fictional version of myself would come to the conclusion that I the merciless god has demanded she come to. She is not allowed to die until this story is complete.

She will join the military

She will make friends with those she knows are doomed.

Perhaps, just perhaps if she pleases me enough I will even allow her to save a few of them.

Who knows?


	2. Chapter 2

I God look down upon my creation.

Sonya Viti is a brown haired blued young girl who longs only for a pleasant peaceful life.

She isn't going to get it.

* * *

"Dear God do you even have a plan?"

At the age of 6 I have died too many times though I've only tried to kill myself in 3 times. I've attempted drowning, falling from my roof, and overdose.

Unsurprisingly nothing has worked.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm actually going to have to live here and make the best of it which is pretty horrible. The only thing I can think of worse than being eaten would be to get eaten and then keep getting eaten over and over again for all of entirety on freaking repeat. If the 'God' controlling my life thinks that this stupid dying disability is going to make me want to go out and kill titans it's got another thing coming.

To be honest, if I didn't know that the Titans would be kicking down the walls at some point this life would be just fine. I mean not good because this was a super corrupt government and military, but not bad. I lived in Wall Maria, not Shiganshina thank goodness. Our house was even fairly close to wall Rose. It was a perfectly nice, perfectly safe place. If the wall wasn't doomed to fall and shit.

My parents were nice enough. Dad was a decently successful food merchant and Mom was an artist. She sold little cutesy stuff at a nearby market stall. They didn't actually have a very loving marriage I think it was more for convenience than anything else, but they both loved me so their occasion awkwardness around each other was easy to bare.

I should be worrying about nothing except doing well in school and completing my few household chores, maybe think about making some friends even? But no I needed to think about how the hell I'm getting into Wall Rose. My family and I most certainly could not stay here right in the Titan path. Sure it would be awhile before that happened, but dealing with the refugees from Shiganshina would be no picnic either.

I had to get over that wall, but how?

Simple really you just needed a shit ton of money.

Now how to get a shit ton of money?

That was a harder question and it really should be my only focus.

My drive, my motivation, all my efforts needed to be getting to safety... but I had started having dreams.

They were nice dreams at first, my dreams of home.

My old house and the mountains I could see from it. I relived my trip to the ocean with my family. I remember car trips looking out on rolling hills and my first airplane flight, that endless sky.

Each time I woke up filled with longing, but that was alright. I was strong I could accept that it was gone now. I had to accept it.

Maybe the dreams were a manipulative gods doing because a little while after the dreams started I began to remember old songs and found myself singing them every now and again. Not the music I had once liked and listened to by choice by the way, no this was patriotic music and the message was pretty damn obvious.

"where at least I know I'm free-"

"purple mountains majesties-"

"rockets red glare-"

Fuck, fuck and fuck. Yeah I had been an American and yes we cared an awful lot about freedom and rights and equality and yes the more I thought about the ideals and morals of my once home the more twitchy I was getting about this whole stupid world I was in.

I did not have time to become some sort of revolutionary ok? Even with all the many faults of my home country, I couldn't say that the place I had found myself in wasn't lacking a lot of the privileges and rights I had once enjoyed.

I hadn't bothered me before being told harshly to hush if I said something rude about the MPs or if I asked questions about the outside world. I had just sort of shrugged it off as a culture thing, but I realized I no longer had the same freedom of speech, that when I was older saying the wrong thing could get me killed. This really rubbed me the wrong way.

The way I had started looking at the wall didn't help. Logically I needed to get further in the walls towards safely and wealth.

 _With all the other sheep that think being in a golden cage makes you safe._

I don't need to be questioning myself on this. Inside is safety.

 _Would you rather be Safe or Free? Safe or Happy?_

I'd rather be alive.

 _You'd rather be a slave._

Shut the fuck up!

"Dear fucking god if you're doing this to mess with me...it's still not going to work."

But what if this wasn't some god trying to influence me? What if it's just me and my pride? Oh, I've always hated injustice and this world is so unjust. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can accomplish besides saving myself. I just need to get that through my head.

 _Only a coward refuses to try._

Try for what? I don't even care about this world.

I could not be controlled. I would not be controlled by whatever power placed me here.

 _So you'll accept the control of the Monarchy here?_

For now, yes. For now, I'll keep my head down and deal with it until I'm safer.

 _And than?_

I don't fucking know.


End file.
